What Children Deserve
My writings are not very polite. The fact is, I was the quiet autistic who allowed people to bully me, and so as I grew up I became louder, and in essence, bipolar. So I say that to let you know that I am quite blunt in how I feel that children should be treated, they deserve nothing less than the utmost respect.
My brother and I both were born with tactile defensiveness. Superficially speaking, our problems got "better" without the intensive treatment that occupational therapy provides today's children, therapy that was not widely heard of during our childhood. However, from a developmental perspective, any untreated case of sensory defensiveness, even if it is mild, can leave permanent scars on a person's emotional security and well-being. What I am saying is not opinion, it is fact.
"Any level of sensory defensiveness should be treated. Even in its mildest forms it can compromise many aspects of a person's life." Children with mild postural insecurity will be aloof and avoidant of any situation that requires physical imitation, coordination and balance of body movements. Children with tactile sensitivities may eventually cringe and allow the parent to force a kiss, but his insecurity about touching has been left unaddressed. He may grow up with severe intimacy problems, problems that he may not even be aware of. He may not realize until his spouse seems to love him from a distance, because she suffers the effects of his lack of affection.
It is not a child's job to understand his parents, it is the parent's job to understand his child. Children are given the world, and they do not choose to be here. There is nothing that sickens me more than seeing a child earn a severely low score on a test at school, and the parent's only response is that the child is lazy. No child, no matter how much it may appear, wants to do poorly in school, and no child wants to talk back to his parents. The problem is that children are not good at expressing their needs in such a timely fashion that their needs can be addressed immediately. The consequence is that the child's needs are not made manifest until the poor test score arrives, or the child is too angry to express his needs in a way that would be considered respectful to his parents.
Demanding an outward display of respect, perhaps for the parent's ego's sake, is not a universal command that can be placed upon all children. Whoever wrote this "principle" is a human being who is subject to error, just as everyone else, and we are all inspired by God. The fact is, some children do not understand abstract concepts. Even if they can use abstract words, they don't necessarily understand how to put them into practice. You can tell a child, "you have to learn how to overcome obstacles in life." The child may nod at you while picture someone moving through an obstacle course. The child may understand that you are using figurative language, but the child may not know how to execute the action unless it can be taken literally.
When I was a teenager, I did not understand what the word respect meant. I was so confused by this word that I actually did a study on its etymology. Respect literally means, "to look back." Am I supposed to look back on my dad? I didn't get it. My dad wanted me to display respect for him because all the other teenagers in my school, who, unlike me, did drugs, drank alcohol and had sex, said "yes ma'am" and "yes sir" to their parents (and all these children talked about their parents like dogs behind their backs). So apparently, a respectful child is one who has learned how to lie and put on a facade. A respectful child is one who, whether good or bad in behavior, soothes his or her parent's ego by saying "yes ma'am" and "yes sir." How about this? That child is not respectful, that child is dishonest.
A child who is truly respectful is one who is first shown respect. A child who is truly empathetic is one who is first shown empathy. You cannot expect money from the bank if you don't put any money into the bank. Likewise, you cannot expect genuine respect or empathy from a child if you do not show respect and empathy. While so-called neurotypical children may appear respectful, this is not always the case. A child who says "yes ma'am" and "Lord, Lord" is not necessarily going to be the first to enter Heaven. Thank your child, your autistic child, for being so honest with you. Say, "oh, I guess if I want you to treat me like your parent, I should treat you like my own child, a human being deserving of all the respect and empathy that I outwardly display to my peers and authority figures."
When my son used to swing at me and slam his head on the floor, I didn't hit him, or leave him to himself thinking, "he'll learn when he feels how painful it is." Instead, I gave him a hug, restrained him from hurting either one of us, and eliminated sugar, soy, gluten and dairy from his diet. While eliminating those foods didn't make him into a social butterfly, it immediately stopped the self-abusive behavior and the swinging at mom. It's sad to think that some parents just hit their child back or try to control their behavior by corporal punishment instead. All they are doing is building more anger, damaging the relationship in the long run, and relieving themselves of their own pain and anger in a very ineffective manner.
So again, I believe that children deserve respect and empathy. And remember parents, that while there are many things we have to do with our time, and we certainly deserve time for our own interests as well, nothing is more important than our children. At any age, we should never be too busy that we can't lend a helping hand to our child, or adult in need.
